Asserting yourself - How assertive are you?

• Unassertive people are either unassertive all of the time or they switch between one extreme and the other - losing their temper sometimes and being overly submissive the rest of the time.
• They find it hard to be just normally assertive - it feels to them like being too aggressive so they apologize needlessly afterwards.
• They also feel guilty whenever they stand up for themselves.
• There are 2 practical steps to improve your assertiveness.
• Devise assertive ways of saying things that you can live with.
• Practice with someone supportive who will give you feedback.
• Use less aggressive but still assertive ways of saying things
• Turn statements into questions - instead of ''You're wrong, that won't work because...'', try asking ''What will we do if X happens?''
• Focus on your feelings - instead of saying ''You're not listening to me'' which is a direct attack, try saying ''I don't seem to have made myself understood.''
• Here you are talking about yourself.
• State areas of agreement before moving on to areas you disagree with. List the positives of the other person's position first. Then ask him/her to list the potential risks or disadvantages. Finally, ask ''What about X? How would you handle that?'' You can assert your views by appearing to be asking the other person for advice. This way you lead them to your conclusion without throwing it in their face.
• Focus on what happened in a neutral tone as if you were describing events as a third party. This avoids directly attacking the other person. For example, say ''things were said'' rather than ''you said.''
• Use ''we'' rather than ''you'' as in ''We seem to disagree on this.''
  Focus on what you would like to see happen in the future rather than on what has already occurred. Ask the other party's advice on how to improve the situation.
• Practice with supportive mentors or colleagues and get feedback
• Make a list of the types of situations where you would like to be more assertive and write down ways of expressing yourself that do not make you feel guilty or upset.
• Try them out on a friend and ask for feedback. Ask whether your friend felt attacked by your assertiveness. Ask whether (and how) you could have expressed yourself a bit more firmly without blowing the other person away.
• Without practice, you will not succeed. When you branch out to asserting yourself with other people, again ask for feedback - ''How did I come across?
• ''How did I make you feel? What might I have done differently?'' Avoid yes/no questions - like ''Was that OK?''