Defensive? Who, me??!!

We don't see ourselves as defensive. Instead we see others as irrationally critical or simply wrong. But the truth is we are all defensive. There is healthy defensiveness of course. It only gets to be a problem when we're so defensive we don't face reality or learn from our mistakes.

• So, why is it that we tend to be defensive?
• We're more used to getting negative feedback.
• We're more aware of our weaknesses than our strengths.
• The things we do well are so automatic we think it's just our job or everyone must be good at that. So, we discount our strengths.
• Our confidence is dented because we exaggerate our weaknesses.
• Defensiveness is caused by fear of weaknesses being exposed.
• The key to becoming less defensive is to develop a more balanced awareness of our strengths and weaknesses.
• Engineer feedback so its always a balance of positive and negative.
• Create a greater awareness of everyone's strengths and weaknesses.
• This avoids the feeling that only we have weaknesses, while we think that our most admired colleagues can walk on water.
• Others look strong because we're more aware of their actions than their feelings. Comparing our self doubts with their successes makes us feel worse about ourselves. This is not a balanced perspective.
• Cultivate a learning culture - admitting and learning from mistakes.
• Get rid of all traces of a blame and punitive culture.
• Completely erase fear of admitting mistakes.
• Encourage risk taking and learning from mistakes.
• It's easier to build on strengths than to correct weaknesses.
• Without ignoring weaknesses, place more emphasis on how everyone can build on their strengths.
• Appraise yourself and get feedback more regularly and frequently - better to get more frequent small doses of negative feedback (accompanied by positive) than live through long stretches of worrying in a vacuum about what others think of you.