Taking it personally?

• Are you often surprised at how some people react to what you thought was an innocent statement on your part?
• If people feel strongly about something, any disagreement can be seen as a personal attack.
• It feels like you are attacking them, not what they are saying.
• Other times your comment is just the last straw in a bad day.
• It helps to observe their emotional state.
• If they seem more uptight than usual, they might be easily provoked.
• It's a matter of timing - do you have to raise a delicate subject now?
• If unsure, try asking: ''How would you feel if we did it your way?''
• If they express strong emotion - great relief, excessive joy - that's a signal of a significant emotional involvement in the outcome.
• You will only avoid provoking them if you show empathy and use sensitive probing to explore alternatives:
  • ''I can see you feel strongly about this. What options do you have? Are there other ways to achieve the same end? What are the pros and cons of your preferred approach?''
• Alternatively, just saying: ''That's impossible!'' might reflect the reality of the situation but would show poor judgement from a relationship point of view.

Other reasons people take things personally

• Low self esteem - even mild criticism will confirm their worst fears.
• Expectation - you disagreed with them before on several occasion.
• Similarity - you resemble someone else they don't get along with.
• Kicking the cat syndrome - someone else just dumped on them.
• Poor performance - they have just become aware of a failure.

Your comments could be quite reasonable at other times with this person or with other people. It's the situation and timing rather than either you or them.

• Being sensitive means recognizing signals that call for a softer approach.
• If anticipation is impossible, be quick with damage limitation moves -
  • Apologize, ask if there is anything they would like to talk about.
  • Avoid reacting back emotionally yourself.
  • Use supportive probes to open them up - ''You seem to feel quite strongly about this.''